Continuously felt by all, regularly expressed by some and rarely spoken of truthfully by anyone.
But why do we fear to talk about those deep-rooted feelings?
Having been brought up in a very close knitted family environment, and being in friendships built over years, you would expect me to be able to freely speak about all my feelings, but there is always an inhibition inside of me. The fear of being vulnerable and weak in front of people who again and again appreciate me for my strength. The inability to be able to easily open up and talk to my family members about topics that are ‘taboo’ within the household. The need to forget the past and move on in order to never again open up wounds which are hidden from the world. These all prevent me from talking. So I choose to talk to myself about them, continuously mulling over them in my mind, writing endless entries in my diary attempting to make sense of my feelings and eventually still keeping them trapped within myself.
I want to share a moment when I let my feelings evade my mind so much that I almost lost something very special. I had been going through a ‘tough time’, constantly welcoming unneeded thoughts in my head and spending hours just thinking and making myself miserable because of it, and sub consciously I began neglecting people around me, especially two of my friends. One day it all exploded, and it all went downhill, I went from feeling bad to worse and that was the day where confrontations occurred. There were many tears and regrets throughout it all, and that’s when I realised I was almost falling deep into a state of depression. Luckily, after a lot of talking we managed to move on from that little blow-up, but in that moment I nearly lost it all, just because I couldn’t talk about my feelings with some of the people I trusted the most in life. When they questioned why I didn’t speak up, and when I questioned why I didn’t speak up, at the time, I couldn’t find an answer. But now, I know.
I fear my feelings. I fear the darkest, deepest feelings I have.
I am scared of talking about those feelings because that makes them real, and it opens up the wounds I have tried so hard to conceal.
The day where it all blew up, I remember one of my friends came with me to my house and made me sit and talk, talk whilst I cried and cried and cried. She got through to my head and made me talk more than I ever wanted to, but it helped. It helped a lot, and it wasn’t as scary as I thought. It didn’t make me vulnerable, not when I knew she wouldn’t abuse my vulnerability, it didn’t make me weak, it made me stronger and it didn’t make me sad anymore.
Since that moment in life, I try harder to not let the fear of feelings control my mind and I still struggle to express my deep-rooted feelings quite openly but I’m getting better, and I will stop fearing, because as I have learnt, fear is all in the mind.
I honestly don’t know if I’m the only one that sees it in this way, or if there are others that can relate to it, but I know that feelings are there to be felt, and when it goes beyond that and begins to affect you, I also know you should speak up about it.
When I do conquer my fear, I know I’ll have people that I love waiting to hear me speak because love is strength and that can easily win in the battle against fear.
So stop fearing and start living.
It’s your life, live it and love it.
The Girl With A Name x